Equalizing & Exchanging Self and Others

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Equalizing & Exchanging Self and Others
Key Concepts


Equalizing and exchanging self and others is a Mahāyāna Buddhist meditation practice for developing bodhicitta—the compassionate wish to awaken for the benefit of all beings. It works by first recognizing that everyone seeks happiness and wants to avoid suffering equally, then training the mind to care for others' well-being as deeply as one's own. Practitioners often use tonglen (giving and taking) meditation, visualizing taking in others' pain and sending out relief, to weaken self-centeredness and cultivate genuine compassion.

It is often said by great contemporary masters such as His Holiness the Dalai Lama that the method of equalizing and exchanging self and others is more in accord with the modern scientific world. Whereas the seven-point instruction requires us to prove and accept the existence of past and future lives and the continuity of consciousness between those lives, this method prepares the ground of equanimity through contemplations such as all beings being equal in wishing to have happiness and wishing to avoid suffering.

The major steps of practice in this lineage are:

1. Equalizing oneself and others
2. Understanding the disadvantages of cherishing oneself
3. Understanding the advantages of cherishing others
4. Exchanging oneself with others
5. Taking and giving (commonly called tonglen in Tibetan)

Having equalized the feeling of the value of self and others, we then contemplate the disadvantages of cherishing oneself as well as the logical absurdity of holding ourselves to be more important. We also contemplate the tremendous advantages to both ourselves and others of cherishing them more than ourselves.

It is only with a foundation of absolute equality that we are then able to practice the exchange of self and others. We must put ourselves in the position in our lives that we usually reserve for others, that of far less importance and focus. And we must relate to others in the way that we had previously reserved only for ourselves, that being a position of primary importance and attention. In reality, we cannot become the other person, nor can the other person become us. But we can completely transform our ways of relating to self and others so that eventually there will only be a focus on other beings.

The major steps of practice in this lineage begin with:

1. Equalizing Oneself and Others

The ignorance that lies at the root of our continuing suffering is the belief in and grasping to an "I" that does not actually exist in the way we imagine. We then make this fantasized "I" the sole object of our attention and energy, to the exclusion of all other beings. We become absorbed in the wish to constantly bring ourselves happiness and to avoid any kind of suffering. We find it intolerable if even the smallest suffering befalls us, and the moment anything unpleasant happens to us we find it unbearable. We cannot stand even the smallest scratch or even the slightest feeling of mental discomfort. Śāntideva captures the terrible effects of our fundamental ignorance in The Way of the Bodhisattva (བྱང་ཆུབ་སེམས་དཔའི་སྤྱོད་པ་ལ་འཇུག་པ):

All the harm with which this world is rife, All fear and suffering that there is, Clinging to the “I” has caused it! What am I to do with this great demon?

[ src citation ]The Way of the Bodhisattva (2006)
Page(s) 128
Blankleder, Helena, and Wulstan Fletcher (Padmakara Translation Group), trans. The Way of the Bodhisattva: A Translation of the Bodhicharyāvatāra. By Śāntideva. Rev. ed. Shambhala Classics. Boston: Shambhala Publications, 2006.
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འཇིག་རྟེན་དག་ན་འཚེ་བ་གང་ཡོད་དང་། །

འཇིགས་དང་སྡུག་བསྔལ་ཇི་སྙེད་ཡོད་གྱུར་པ། ། དེ་ཀུན་བདག་ཏུ་འཛིན་པ་ལས་བྱུང་ན། །

འདྲེ་ཆེན་དེས་ཀོ་བདག་ལ་ཅི་ཞིག་བྱ། །

jig rten dag na 'tshe ba gang yod dang /_/

'jigs dang sdug bsngal ji snyed yod gyur pa/_/ de kun bdag tu 'dzin pa las byung na/_/

'dre chen des ko bdag la ci zhig bya/_/

But just like us, all living beings want to be happy and long to be free from suffering. As spiritual practitioners, we must move away from this self-absorbed mindset that emphasizes the differences between others and ourselves. Instead, we must develop loving care for all other beings who, like us, are completely enslaved by their own confusion.

In this method of developing bodhicitta—the mind of complete concern for the highest welfare of others—there is a crucial initial stage that must be followed in order to build a firm foundation for the development of later mental states. We must begin with equalizing ourselves with others. There would be no possibility of exchanging ourselves with others if the whole process were not based on a level playing field.

There are many methods to create this perspective of the equality of self and others. One very effective way is to understand how all other beings are exactly the same as us in wishing to have happiness and in not wanting suffering. Although beings may act in mistaken ways to achieve their happiness and avoid suffering, there is not a single living being that does not want happiness. In this way, we are all completely alike.

Patrul Rinpoche, in his master work on the stages of the path to enlightenment entitled Words of My Perfect Teacher (ཀུན་བཟང་བླ་མའི་ཞལ་ལུང་།), beautifully captures a series of down-to-earth sentiments that help us to see others as being equal to ourselves:

Whatever good or useful things you want for yourself, others want them just as much. So just as you work hard at bringing about your own happiness and comfort, always work hard for others' happiness and comfort, too. Just as you would try to avoid even the slightest suffering for yourself, strive too to prevent others having to suffer even the slightest harm. Just as you would feel pleased about your own well-being and prosperity, rejoice from your heart when others are well and prosperous, too. In short, seeing no distinction between yourself and all living creatures of the three worlds, make it your sole mission to find ways of making everyone of them happy, now and for all time.[1]

Patrul Rinpoche encourages us to open our eyes and widen our perspective: to see that just as we want all the good things of life—comfort, prosperity, a sense of well-being—so too does every other living being wish for those things just as much. And just as we wish to avoid even the subtlest forms of suffering, whether mental or physical, so too do all other beings have that exact same wish. With continual awareness and meditation on these realities, slowly we begin to understand the absolute equality of self and others. Patrul Rinpoche concludes:

In short, seeing no distinction between yourself and all living creatures of the three worlds, make it your sole mission to find ways of making every one of them happy, now and for all time.

When Trungpa Sinachen asked him for a complete instruction in a single sentence, Padampa Sangye replied, "Whatever you want, others all want as much; so act on that!"

Completely eradicate all those wrong attitudes based on attachment and aversion which make you reject others and care only about yourself, and think of yourself and others as being entirely equal.[2]

Further details on this method as presented through the words of Śāntideva in his masterwork The Way of the Bodhisattva can be found here:


The second step in this process of developing bodhicitta is:

2. Understanding the Disadvantages of Cherishing Oneself

One of the principal mindsets that a bodhisattva must cultivate is that of cherishing others more than themselves. This mindset runs counter to our habitual pattern of making ourselves the center of the world.

Of course, in ordinary life, we may have enough space and some kindness to be able to think of the consequences of our actions on others, but when push comes to shove, our innate self-cherishing will always choose self over others.

To some extent this can be understood in the context of a survival instinct, and there are situations where we must protect our own lives. However, the practices of mind training in the context of the bodhisattva path teach us how to identify our self-cherishing attitude and specifically the faults and disadvantages of self-cherishing.

We have a deep-seated belief that complete focus on our own lives will ensure that all our aims and happiness will be fulfilled. But although we want to make things perfect for ourselves, because we emphasize our own welfare instead of that of others, we act in many negative ways to bring about this desired result. We are prepared to do anything, no matter what the cost to others, to achieve the happiness we crave.

In The Way of the Bodhisattva, Śāntideva explains that the principle source of all our pain and suffering is exactly this over-concern for oneself.

All the misery the world contains Has come through wanting pleasure for oneself. (8.129cd)[3]

According to Śāntideva, the destructive attitude of cherishing oneself, wishing to do only that which leads to one's own happiness, is responsible for all the problems and painful situations that occur in our lives. Instead of blaming external factors for these difficulties, we must come to realize that this self-cherishing mind is the gateway to all degeneration, and we must replace it with an attitude that cherishes others. A practitioner must strive as much as they can in methods to avert the attitude of self-cherishing and not let it arise.

Śāntideva reminds us that self-cherishing leads to focusing purely on our own aims, which has only tired us out and has brought nothing but pain and misery into our lives:

Countless ages, O my mind, You spent, desiring to attain your aims. And what great weariness it was, While your reward was only misery!

[ src citation ]The Way of the Bodhisattva (2006)
Page(s) 131
Blankleder, Helena, and Wulstan Fletcher (Padmakara Translation Group), trans. The Way of the Bodhisattva: A Translation of the Bodhicharyāvatāra. By Śāntideva. Rev. ed. Shambhala Classics. Boston: Shambhala Publications, 2006.
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ཡིད་ཁྱོད་རང་དོན་བྱེད་འདོད་པས། །

བསྐལ་པ་གྲངས་མེད་འདས་གྱུར་ཀྱང་། ། ངལ་བ་ཆེན་པོ་དེ་ལྟ་བུས། །

ཁྱོད་ཀྱིས་སྡུག་བསྔལ་འབའ་ཞིག་བསྒྲུབས། །

yid khyod rang don byed 'dod pas/_/

bskal pa grangs med 'das gyur kyang /_/ ngal ba chen po de lta bus/_/

khyod kyis sdug bsngal 'ba' zhig bsgrubs/_/

With intense regret, Śāntideva points the finger not to others or to external situations but to his own mind, saying, "From beginningless time, you, my mind, have only ever worked for your own benefit. It is for this reason that I have had to endure the tremendous suffering resulting from that selfishness. All this effort has never born the fruit of lasting happiness and indeed has produced the opposite effect of only protracted misery."

Lama Tsongkhapa, in The Great Treatise on the Stages of the Path (ལམ་རིན་ཆེན་མོ།), remarks on how we could have averted this situation by reorienting our cherishing so that we were concerned only with other's welfare:

If you had replaced concern for your own welfare with concern for others' welfare, you would certainly have already become a buddha long ago and would have completely and perfectly accomplished your own aims as well as those of others.[4]

If we had cherished others and lived our lives focusing on bringing about their happiness, we would ironically already have achieved the highest state of happiness possible, that of an enlightened buddha. It is our confusion about what brings happiness that leads us down wrong paths.

In his classic mind training text entitled Seven Points of Mind Training (ཐེག་པ་ཆེན་པོ་བློ་སྦྱོང་དོན་བདུན་མ།), Geshe Chekawa points to self-cherishing as the root of all our unwanted problems and suffering when he extols us to "drive all blames into one."[5]

There are various interpretations of what the "one" thing that we should drive all blame into is. Some interpret this to mean the fundamental ignorance that grasps at an inherently existent self, but many other masters interpret this "one" to mean the self-cherishing mind. This self-cherishing mind comes from the false view that holds oneself to be much more important than others. On this self-cherishing, we must drive all the blame for the pain and suffering of all our lives. This is the principal cause for our unhappiness.

In summary, Lama Tsongkhapa exhorts us to give up our self-centredness, freely give ourselves to others, and strive only for their welfare:

Thus, neither be self-centered nor support self-centered tendencies. You must train again and again in the attitude of freely giving to all beings your own body, resources, and roots of virtue, and you must work for the welfare of those to whom you give these things. It is wrong to do the opposite, so stop the attitude which sees your own body, resources, and roots of virtue as being for your own purposes.[6]

The third stage in the process is:

3. Understanding the Advantages of Cherishing Others

Normally we think only of ourselves and find it hard to really cherish others. This is underpinned by the belief that by protecting ourselves we will find happiness. But in The Way of the Bodhisattva, Śāntideva explains the true way in which we will ensure our happiness:

All the joy the world contains Has come through wishing happiness for others. (8.129ab)[7]

This is such a simple yet profound statement. All the joy the world contains both now and in the future has come from cherishing others. All happiness and goodness in the world, both now and in the future, comes from an excellent attitude of cherishing others and wishing to bring them both temporary and lasting benefit. Rather than being something that depletes our energy and resources, cherishing others is a source of abundance and all good things.

Śāntideva then uses another example of generosity to illustrate the advantages of cherishing others rather than oneself:

“If I give this, what will be left for me?” Thinking of oneself—the way of evil ghosts. “If I keep this, what will be left to give?” Concern for others is the way of heaven.102In other words, the way of Dharma, leading to the realization of Buddhahood—not, of course, the heavens of the worldly gods.

[ src citation ]The Way of the Bodhisattva (2006)
Page(s) 127
Blankleder, Helena, and Wulstan Fletcher (Padmakara Translation Group), trans. The Way of the Bodhisattva: A Translation of the Bodhicharyāvatāra. By Śāntideva. Rev. ed. Shambhala Classics. Boston: Shambhala Publications, 2006.
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གལ་ཏེ་བྱིན་ན་ཅི་སྤྱོད་ཅེས། །

བདག་དོན་སེམས་པ་འདྲེ་ཡི་ཚུལ། ། གལ་ཏེ་སྤྱོད་ན་ཅི་སྦྱིན་ཞེས། །

གཞན་དོན་སེམས་པ་ལྷ་ཡི་ཆོས། །

gal te byin na ci spyod ces/_/

bdag don sems pa 'dre yi tshul/_/ gal te spyod na ci sbyin zhes/_/

gzhan don sems pa lha yi chos/_/

If we have acquired material possessions or come into some wealth, but then run into a beggar or someone in need, our instinctive reaction is to be protective of our resources. Out of fear or greed, we normally fall into self-cherishing thoughts that prioritize ourselves rather than the other, thinking, "If I give what I have to them, what will there be left for me to use?" Such a self-centered attitude, Śāntideva suggests, is the way of demons. Such greedy and self-centered thoughts will only bring poverty and ruin upon us, and in the future we will be reborn as hungry ghosts, unable to find and enjoy the basic needs for happiness.

If we can replace this with the thought "If I keep all these things for myself, what will I have left to give to others?" then this is the way of the wise and compassionate, the way of the buddhas and bodhisattvas. This way of cherishing others will bring us abundant joy and happiness, both now and in the future. As His Holiness the Dalai Lama has often said, "Even if you are selfish, be wisely selfish." He goes on to describe how the way to be wisely selfish is to cherish others more than ourselves and to work for their welfare. This will bring us everything we need and so much more.

The Eight Verses of Training the Mind (བློ་སྦྱོང་ཚིག་བརྒྱད་མ་) by Geshe Langri Thangpa provides us with yet another important reason why we must cherish other beings:

By thinking of all sentient beings As more precious than a wish-fulfilling jewel For accomplishing the highest aim, I will always hold them dear. (v. 1)[8]

We may wonder why it is important to cultivate the thought that other sentient beings are precious and valuable. Here, the Dalai Lama explains how all the joys and happiness of our ordinary lives come to us through positive cooperation with other beings. But he also points out that for a practitioner wishing to attain the highest possible goal, the attainment of the fully enlightened state of a buddha, they must rely on sentient beings. That is not done for our own welfare. It is done for the ultimate purposes of others. But that exalted state can never be achieved without other beings.

In one sense, we can say that other sentient beings are really the principal source of all our experiences of joy, happiness, and prosperity, and not only in terms of our day-to-day dealings with people. We can see that all the desirable experiences that we cherish or aspire to attain are dependent upon cooperation and interaction with other sentient beings. It is an obvious fact. Similarly, from the point of view of a practitioner on the path, many of the high levels of realization that you gain and the progress you make on your spiritual journey are dependent upon cooperation and interaction with other sentient beings. Furthermore, at the resultant state of buddhahood, the truly compassionate activities of a buddha can come about spontaneously without any effort only in relation to sentient beings, because they are the recipients and beneficiaries of those enlightened activities. So one can see that other sentient beings are, in a sense, the true source of our joy, prosperity, and happiness.[9]

The fourth stage in the process is:

4. Exchanging Oneself with Others

This stage in the practice of developing bodhicitta has often been misunderstood. Doubts or fear may arise about the practice. We may think that we actually become others and others become ourselves, but this is not the case. In his masterwork The Great Treatise on the Stages of the Path, Lama Tsongkhapa clarifies what it means to exchange self and others:

The phrases "exchanging self and other" and "making oneself others and others oneself" do not indicate a training in an attitude which thinks "I am others" or "Others' eyes, etc., are mine." They indicate a change in the orientation of the two states of mind of cherishing yourself and neglecting others, wherein you develop the attitude of cherishing others as you presently do yourself and neglecting yourself as you presently do others. [10]

In exchanging self for others, we do not think that we become them or they become us. Neither do we think that their bodies or minds are ours. This is not the way things are. What the practice does is help us reorient all our care, energy, and attention away from ourselves and toward others, and eventually to completely exchange those perspectives.

In The Way of the Bodhisattva, Śāntideva beautifully summarizes the way of thinking that aids us in exchanging ourselves with others:

To free myself from harm And others from their sufferings, Let me give myself to others, Loving them as I now love myself.

[ src citation ]The Way of the Bodhisattva (2006)
Page(s) 128
Blankleder, Helena, and Wulstan Fletcher (Padmakara Translation Group), trans. The Way of the Bodhisattva: A Translation of the Bodhicharyāvatāra. By Śāntideva. Rev. ed. Shambhala Classics. Boston: Shambhala Publications, 2006.
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དེ་ལྟས་བདག་གནོད་ཞི་བ་དང་། །

གཞན་གྱི་སྡུག་བསྔལ་ཞི་བྱའི་ཕྱིར། ། བདག་ཉིད་གཞན་ལ་བཏང་བ་དང་། །

གཞན་རྣམས་བདག་བཞིན་གཟུང་བར་བྱ། །

de ltas bdag gnod zhi ba dang /_/

gzhan gyi sdug bsngal zhi bya'i phyir/_/ bdag nyid gzhan la btang bya dang /_/

gzhan rnams bdag bzhin gzung bar bya/_/

Disregarding others and cherishing oneself is the source for all the unwanted pain and suffering in our lives. By cherishing others as we do ourselves and unconditionally offering oneself for the purpose of all beings, we reduce and eventually completely eliminate our own self-cherishing. This exchange of self and others pacifies all the harm to ourselves and all the sufferings of others.

In his commentary The Great Hūṃ, Minyak Kunzang Sönam describes the precise way of thinking that we must adopt in order to exchange self and others:

Self-cherishing is the root of all that is unwanted for myself and others. Therefore, in order to pacify all harmful suffering in myself, and furthermore in order to alleviate all unwanted suffering in others, I reject this mind of self-cherishing. I will make the exchange. Disregarding my own welfare, I will give myself in order to benefit others and I will cherish other sentient beings as myself. Further, I will disregard myself as I previously disregarded others, and as I previously cherished myself and worked to accomplish my own benefit and happiness, I will henceforth do this for others. With this wish, I make the exchange.[11]

The next verse from The Way of the Bodhisattva goes on to describe how we must think after we have made the exchange:

“For I am now beneath the rule of others,” Of this you must be certain, O my mind. And now no longer shall you have a thought That does not wish the benefit of beings.[p.129]The Way of the Bodhisattva (2006)
Blankleder, Helena, and Wulstan Fletcher (Padmakara Translation Group), trans. The Way of the Bodhisattva: A Translation of the Bodhicharyāvatāra. By Śāntideva. Rev. ed. Shambhala Classics. Boston: Shambhala Publications, 2006.

[ src citation ]The Way of the Bodhisattva (2006)
Page(s) 128
Blankleder, Helena, and Wulstan Fletcher (Padmakara Translation Group), trans. The Way of the Bodhisattva: A Translation of the Bodhicharyāvatāra. By Śāntideva. Rev. ed. Shambhala Classics. Boston: Shambhala Publications, 2006.
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བདག་ནི་གཞན་གྱི་དབང་གྱུར་ཅེས། །

ཡིད་ཁྱོད་ངེས་པར་ཤེས་གྱིས་ལ། ། སེམས་ཅན་ཀུན་དོན་མ་གཏོགས་པར། །

ད་ནི་ཁྱོད་ཀྱིས་གཞན་མི་བསམ། །

bdag ni gzhan gyi dbang gyur ces/_/

yid khyod nges par shes gyis la/_/ sems can kun don ma gtogs par/_/

da ni khyod kyis gzhan mi bsam/_/

Here, Śāntideva explains that we must promise ourselves that from now on we will consider ourselves to be under the control of others, not under our own control. Being under the control of others does not mean that we let people abuse and mistreat us, but that from now on our thoughts and actions are guided primarily by a concern for other beings. The concerns of others must now be center stage.

We cannot expect our minds to change immediately. However, by constantly studying these revolutionary teachings and familiarizing ourselves with them through meditation, we can slowly shift our perspective so that they become part of the very fabric of how we think and act in relation to others.

A detailed explanation of exchanging self and others can be found in the practice doorway:


The fifth stage in the process is:

5. Taking and Giving (Commonly Called Tonglen in Tibetan)

Tonglen means literally "sending and receiving" or "giving and taking." It is a Buddhist meditation practice for cultivating bodhicitta and is a core part of the practice of exchanging oneself for others. In this practice, we visualize taking on the suffering and negativity of others and, in exchange, offering them all our happiness, health, and well-being—directly challenging our habitual self-centeredness and training the mind to care for others as deeply as we care for ourselves.

For a fuller treatment of the practice of tonglen, click here:


For a discussion of tonglen in the practice section, click here:


  1. Padmakara Translation Group, trans., The Words of My Perfect Teacher, by Patrul Rinpoche (Boston: Shambhala Publications, 1998), 223.
  2. Padmakara Translation Group, Words of My Perfect Teacher, 223.
  3. Helena Blankleder and Wulstan Fletcher (Padmakara Translation Group), trans., The Way of the Bodhisattva: A Translation of the Bodhicharyāvatāra, by Śāntideva (Boston: Shambhala Publications, 2006), 127.
  4. Lamrim Chenmo Translation Committee, trans., The Great Treatise on the Stages of the Path to Enlightenment, by Tsongkhapa, ed. Joshua W. C. Cutler and Guy Newland (Ithaca, NY: Snow Lion Publications, 2000), 2:55.
  5. Adam Pearcey, trans., "The Seven Points of Mind Training," by Geshe Chekawa Yeshe Dorje (Lotsawa House 2012), https://www.lotsawahouse.org/tibetan-masters/geshe-chekhawa-yeshe-dorje/seven-points-mind-training.
  6. Lamrim Chenmo Translation Committee, Great Treatise, 2:55.
  7. Blankleder and Fletcher, Way of the Bodhisattva, 127.
  8. Rigpa Translations, trans., "Eight Verses of Training the Mind," by Geshe Langri Thangpa (Lotsawa House, 2012), https://www.lotsawahouse.org/tibetan-masters/geshe-langri-thangpa/eight-verses-training-mind.
  9. Dalai Lama, 14th, "Eight Verses for Training the Mind: Training the Mind: Verse 1," (Office of His Holiness The 14th Dalai Lama of Tibet, 2014), https://www.dalailama.com/teachings/training-the-mind/training-the-mind-verse-1.
  10. Lamrim Chenmo Translation Committee, Great Treatise, 2:53.
  11. Douglas Duckworth, trans., The Great Hūṃ: A Commentary on Śāntideva's Way of the Bodhisattva, by Minyak Kunzang Sönam (New York: Wisdom Publications, 2025), 791.

Bibliography: Works on Equalizing & Exchanging Self and Others